I'm squatting in a bucket that tosses on a stormy sea. A cow and a koala keep me company. They comfort me when I'm sea sick.

Huge pears and pineapples fall slowly from the sky and plonk in the water around us. A frog sits on one of the pineapples and takes a good look at me as I vomit into the sea. The frog is wearing sunglasses so I can't read his expression. I think he's saying something sarcastic, but I'm not sure.

Then I realise that all this is in the Encyclopedia Britannica. All I have to do is turn the page and I'll be back some place that's normal.

And so it is. I'm sunbaking on top of skyscraper. I'm long and skinny and brown. High in the sky a spy satellite takes photographs of me to send to presidents and prime ministers.

If I'm lucky I'll also feature in National Geographic.

Wildlife of the Bronx!