At the last moment

I realise

my chains

are loose

my friends

were kidding me

they'd layed the chains

on my wrists and ankles

but hadn't secured them

of course they thought

I would have figured this out

long ago

and got off the tracks

before a train came

now the train

is a few seconds away

I try to stand

but I'm stiff

and the chains are heavy

as the train


time slows down

I try to crawl

off the tracks

but my limbs feel weighted

with slow motion goo



now I'm half off the track

my stomach's over

I heave my hips

like a robot a whale

a seal on a beach

only my legs to go

I twist my neck

to stare wildly up at the train

my eyes open wide

see the snapshot of doom

the locomotive

bearing down

it turns

to icecream

and runs over my legs

with unbearable cold

and the white wild icecream


and 200 icecream trucks

hit me again and again

but my legs are still there


I'm on a beach

and my friends

are licking icecream

off my legs

they're intoxicated with it

they lick my legs

like mad drunk dogs

my legs are pulverised

by tongues

it tickles painfully

and as I scream with laughter

they lick harder, longer

then a girl in a pink bikini


Surf's up!

and suddenly I'm on my own

trembling in the sun

reading a Donald Duck comic

adjusting my sunglasses

I look down at my body

it's covered with golden fur

a doctor and a lawyer walk past


the doctor points at me

and says

For example!

and I'm sitting in the back seat

of a school bus

watching the cricket

on the bus's video screen

the players are all dressed

in drag

outrageous ball gowns, etc

like they're practising

for the gay and lesbian

mardi gras

this makes it difficult for them

to run

I feel sorry for them

so I jump into the video screen

to lend a helping hand


I'm charging toward the pitch

with a cannonball in my hand

aimed at the stumps

in front of which

stands a batsman in a miniskirt

trembling like jelly

I feel sorry for him

but I can't stop now

the big red cannonball

leaves my hand

and thunders down the pitch

at the last moment

the batsman

rises into the air

like an angel

flying straight up

into heaven

the crowd roars

we stare into the sky

at the batsman

who disappears

into gold grey clouds


I'm gambling with cards

at the Wrest Point Casino

I'm a high roller

losing millions by the minute

my mother Angela

and her boyfriend Mike

stand beside me

giving bad advice

which only makes me lose more

but I feel careless

nothing worries me

I jump into my

high speed catamaran

and zoom off down the river

and out to the open sea

X-wing fighters

from the Death Star

buzz me

zap me with lasers

but I'm in my zero suit

and nothing can touch me

Kevin sits beside me

fiddling with the control panel

we funnel

through a space-time warp

we tunnel

through the core

of a Federation planet

we end up in ancient Egypt

I'm singing

at the top of my voice

in front of Pharaoh

who chats with his wives

and swallows

handfuls of M&Ms

like they were

immortality pills

then Pharaoh

puts his finger

in my belly button

and switches me off

I stop singing

and stand there

looking dumb


I am dumb

I'm just a post

supporting a wharf

a pile

in the Nile

warm muddy water

washes past me

the sun beats down

on my head

fish rub their lips against me

smooching the green slime

that grows on me

and waves





then I sort of jerk

as something explodes

a tomato made from bricks

goes bang

in Pharaoh's brain

I realise

I barely exist

as far as he's concerned

in fact

I barely exist

at all